Saturday, November 03, 2012
Sometimes, just when you think your life is starting to pick up, there is this sudden twist of fate that changes everything, and the moment is lost forever. I'm tired of hoping and waiting for good things to happen, because life always hands you good stuff for a while just to whet your appetite and raise your hopes, and then with a cruel changing of the tides, it takes back every good thing and you're left reeling from the sudden blow, as you struggle to improve your situation. I guess that's what life is supposed to be -- full of ups and downs, as we've all been told since young. But just knowing this fact doesn't make it any easier to cope with the struggles that keep surfacing.
haiz. ok i'm being emo again. ):
i don't know what's wrong with me, but i really really don't like the person that i'm becoming. i used to be so happy and shiny, and now i'm just easily provoked and easily annoyed. Still easily amused, but generally grumpier than last time. and i sometimes hate it when people comment on my smile, and say stuff like how it's so bright and cheery blahblah, because sometimes that smile just does not reveal how i REALLY feel deep inside. it's not that i'm purposely trying to put up a fake sunny facade... i don't know why i just have this habit of smiling brightly at people. but sometimes i wish people would be able to look closely at me and realise that i'm not as happy as i appear, instead of having to listen to me bitch/whine/rant before they realise i'm actually secretly unhappy. kayy i guess i don't make much sense. ): i just wish people would notice me more i guess, and like, really notice, and not just look/glance at that smile which is getting less and less real each day. ):
the one person who has noticed all these subtle changes is suddenly not so close to me anymore... ): talk about sudden twists in the road indeed.
i guess that's what always happens when you have a tiny seedling of hope in your heart. first you allow it to grow, then suddenly the storm comes, (or the drought la, whichever works) and the seedling dies even before it's allowed to grow and bear fruit.
i know i'm being very pessimistic, and i really hate being like this, but sometimes, some things really just extinguish all traces of hope.
and dental sch is really not helping my mood one bit at all. it's sucking my soul, and consuming me inside out. when i'm not studying, or doing lab work, i can't even escape from sch because i'll be thinking abt clinics in my head, thinking about my patients, and how to plan my clinical sessions, thinking abt how to get patients for certain disciplines, thinking abt how to improve the quality of treatment for my patients, thinking abt how to organise my to-do list for labs, which competencies i need to take, how to meet requirements, yada yada. i can't even escape from sch in my sleep, because it still manages to haunt my dreams, in the form of procedural accidents in the clinics, labwork gone wrong, etc.
i'm so tired, so so so tired. I want to stop and catch my breath for a while, but even a timeslot for resting and just having some quality time to myself is hard to find. my best friend who really understands me and knows just what to say is so far away, on the other side of the globe, and we only skype when we can somehow work around our busy schedules. my other close friends here kind of understand too, maybe not as well as bestie does, but they are also busy with their own lives and we can hardly ever meet up and have quality time to chat and stuff. ): my parents are always as supportive as they can be, but even they have troubles of their own that i can't even help with, and i really don't want to bog them down with my own troubles as well. :/
sigh. talk about being emo.
there's so much work to be done, and so little time to accomplish all these. there's requirements to be met, comepetencies to be booked and taken, and tests to study for. there's also this constant feeling of inadequacy, which is also often worsened by our own insecurities, as well as the sometimes cruel comments and unverbalised thoughts of other people that still manifest themselves in their actions. This feeling of inadequacy that never ever goes away, no matter how much improvement you think you've made in your clinical skills, no matter how much knowledge you think you've gained, no matter how much more OCD you think you've become. Because deep down you know it's never going to be enough. The sky is the limit, and until you achieve perfection, you're never ever going to be good enough.
Until then, we all just have to learn how to cope. and pray that the coping mechanism is adequate enough before decompensation occurs.
